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Thursday, October 17, 2013

Too sensitive, too soft, too.......

 I have always been too ...... something. Somehow or other I have never "fit" . I am the ultimate round peg in a square whole ( yes I know its supposed to be a square peg in a round hole but frankly I prefer round pegs)

Today I read this post at Elephant Journal and gave a huge "Hell, yes!" because that is me too!

Even at family gatherings I was sitting off to the side, not feeling like I belonged, feeling that somehow I just didn't fit.

I remember that I always used to sit in the bay window at my aunty's house. I never realized that I always did it until one time my Uncle came and sat next to me and said "whenever you come to visit you always end up sitting here"  When we first moved from Glasgow to NZ we lived at my aunty and uncle's house for a year and the bay window was my bedroom. I was three. I remember I always felt safe in there This is why I needed to feel safe

I now know that I am an introvert. Oh sure, I can be the life and soul of the party if I want to. In fact most of my friends would be surprised to learn that I am an introvert. The truth is I am happiest in my own company. I can go days without leaving my house and when I do I just want to rush back to the safety and sanity of my sacred space.

I feel things.... deeply. I feel my emotions and I also feel yours. I feel what you are saying and also what you are not saying. I "read"your energy and the energy of the room. I can feel underlying tension at ten paces.

I miss nothing.  It drives my husband crazy. I know exactly what he has been doing, what rooms he has walked into, what cupboards he has opened.

Everything.

How?


Because I pay attention.
 
 I know the sound of  each door in our house and each cupboard. I know where everything is. I pay attention. Not just in my house but when I come to visit you, I pay attention to all the stuff . I notice when you shift things or add something new.

It's called hypervigilance.

I call it being a detective.

I also sit and observe. In fact I would rather do that than have to make conversation. Unless I have something to say I find idle chit chat banal and boring.

I would much rather know what makes you tick, who are you, what lights you up, what scares you? Than the answer to how your day has been or what the weather is like or what you do for a job. Because frankly I don't care about that stuff.

I want to know what makes your heart ache.... for the beauty of the world or from the depths of despair.

I used to retract into myself , to pull away from the world because it was all to painful and people , well people were just mean. They said things to cut and taunt you because you were not like them.

Ahhhh but now, now I realise that my sensitivity is a blessing and a gift. It helps me to make sense of the world and see through those words and taunts to the pain that you have so valiantly tried to cover by lashing out.

My sensitivity has made me who I am and for that I am truly grateful. I am better person, a better therapist because of it.

So if ever anyone tells you that you are 'too sensitive"just smile and say "thank you, yes I am and I am grateful" because you have discovered a deep lesson. By keeping yourself open to all of the worlds harshness and staying sensitive, you get to see its true beauty and you get to FEEL it in the core of your being.